Beware of the 'fair trap'

As a parent of teens, the statement I heard the most is, “dad, that’s not fair.” Throughout the ages sages will tell you, the greatest obsession of humans is fairness. At first you may assume this is no problem. Of course, being fair is important. True, but the problem is there is no answer to what is fair. It’s mankind’s greatest concern, and it has no answer. 

The need for situations and people to be fair is a trap and can take away your oxygen. Let me briefly explain. There are three ways to judge something as fair. Each is different from the others and each is subjective. Are you beginning to get the picture. Sometimes something is fair when people get what they deserve. This is called equity and is based on reciprocity. The criminal justice system and many reward systems in companies see fairness this way. Sometimes something is fair when everyone gets the same. This is called equality. Entitlement programs think things are fair when everyone gets the same. After all, "all men are created equal." Still others think something is fair when everyone gets what they need. Charities hand out goods and services based on what someone needs, not deserves and certainly mothers with children get more than single men because their needs are greater.

The problem is that what someone deserves, and giving everyone the same, or giving according to need are all totally different ways to be fair. Not only are there three totally different ways to be fair, each way may vary based on individuals’ views of what is fair. We can take this even further, psychologists have found that its not as much what the distribution of goods and services are that determines their fairness, but how (the process) was handled. There is a whole other criteria called procedural justice by which people judge something to be fair.

If you require life to be fair, you will likely be disappointed most of the time until you become quite cynical about the world’s ability to be fair to you. This is paralyzing and leaves you feeling lifeless, that life never works right for you. See, right is what’s fair and what’s fair is an illusion. Stuck in place, life’s not fair so why try.

For you to break out and not succumb to the “fair trap,” you must release the built-in need for life to be fair. This is not easy. It goes against everything inside you. What is the remedy? An attitude of gratitude, a sense of grace. Cultivate the ability to see all the blessings of life that have been freely given to you totally independent of what you deserve. Each person has gifts given to them just because they are born. You did nothing to get them. You even did nothing to deserve being born and the provision of your childhood. The air you breath every day, the abundance of food creation provides, the unconditional love of family and friends, and much more are the overwhelming gifts of life that is not fair. Being thankful that life is not fair instead of demanding life to be fair brings life.

I think that is worth pondering .....