Bullying

The "American bullying crisis" has become a big topic with our society. The recent movie "Bully" draws attention to the estimated 13 million kids who feel they have been bullied at some time. I hear that teachers now must write-up any activity considered bullying at school or face legal repercussions. One problem with this is that any behavior toward a person that is unwarranted is considered bullying and is making policemen out of our teachers. In order to better deal with bullies and their victims we should be clear about what it is and how to best respond when it happens. After all, bullying is not limited to kid-on-kid interaction. parents bully children and children bully parents. Bosses can bully workers and co-workers can bully each other.

Bullying invloves three basic components: (1) excercising power over another, (2) intent to harm, and (3) repetitive actions. Bullies exercise control that they and the victim perceive belongs to the bully, and the harm produced is generally the bully's demonstration to others of this power or to coerce the victim to behave the way the bully wishes. Repitition reinforces the bullying behavior and perpetuates the bully/victim relationship.

Who is hurt most when bullying occurs? Of course the focus is on the victim as excessive bullying can result in some devastating consequences for the victim. Teaching victims how to cope with bullies is necessary for the victim to maintain a sense of safety, emotional well-being, and functionality.

However, the bully is also damaged in signifciant ways. When a bully is allowed to succeed, their sense of value is equated to their power. Over time seeing one's self-worth in their power destroys any opportunity for realtionships. Bullies can never make themselves vulnerable to another and therefore can never experience intimacy, the source of joy. Bullies can never break the bondage of social exchange because they must make sense of themselves through the response of others.

Thus, bullies have a serious barrier to Grace and the Kingdom mind. While victims can have difficulties derived out of being bullied, bullies are forever lost in self exhaltation and self-gratification. If we have someone in our life that we love, such as parent, child, or friend, who is stuck in a lifestyle of bullying, allowing them to get away with bullying us is the most unloving thing we can do for them. Tell them we love them very much but we no longer accept the behavior. Diffuse the power perceived by the bully by refusing to be coerced by them.

Kingdom minded victims can see themselves as God sees them (strengthened by grace) and can withstand the power assault of bullies until the bully can see for themselves, they do not need power over others for well-being and the realtionship is far more valuable than demonstrating power and having one's own way.

A great gift to give to bullies we love :-)