what makes a virtue virtuous?

The central message of Social Exchange is that the force that holds two parties together in relationship is the value that passes between them. Specifically, social exchange claims that you give with an expectation of receiving and receive with an obligation to return the favor. Sometimes this is call “the norm of reciprocity”. What is given and received does not have to be in in the same form. For example, one could give money to another in return for time the receiver may spend with the giver. A wealthy person may give money to a charity in turn for a building being named after them.

Sociologists have found by studying primitive tribes that this behavior is not learned but instinctive. It is buried deep within the human condition governing all types of relationships. It’s as human as needing air to breathe and water to drink. So, without even being aware, social exchange is a powerful influence on what we decide to do as we go through life, especially as our behavior is selected to bring us more satisfaction. For example, you have heard the platitude or proverb that “it is more blessed to give than to receive”.

“Blessed” refers to joy. So the saying represents a truth that giving gives you more joy than receiving. If being happy occurs when my circumstances benefit me, we would view this truth as a promise that we will be happier when we do giving type behavior. The social exchange influence built into our nature is really telling us that giving is the best way to receive more. So while giving may seem to make us more virtuous, the exchange force in our nature creates an expectation that giving is self-serving. Is that virtuous?


Often social exchange is the theory of why people stay together in relationships. Social exchange is at work in our marriage and in our work. When someone says marriage is “50-50” they are simply saying that marriage works on exchange equilibrium. Even if we want to be virtuous and say marriage is 90-10, when the balance of exchange gets to a point that one is giving more than they are receiving, then the relationship resolves or the parties remain for reasons of some other exchange, such as moral duty or coercion from someone in power. 

The key point is that the exchange must satisfy each party’s expectations. Social exchange is a powerful bias on how you choose to respond to events in your life. Often you are not even aware of its influence. Since social exchange is built into human nature, you may ask the question is it possible for anyone to ever choose a behavior that is not influenced by exchange? That would be a good question.

Throughout the ages people have pondered this. Someone who believed that life beyond the influence of exchange is possible once told a story of a father whose relationship with his sons was not based on exchange. However, while the father was not influenced by exchange, his sons were. Because his sons were influenced by their human nature, they selected behavior based on exchange and failed to fully reap the benefits of their father’s unmerited love.

You are probably familiar with the story, its often called The Prodigal's Son, but the story is really about a father whose love was "inhuman", or we might say was absent the forces of exchange.

But exchange drove each son and here's how. The oldest brother was a really good son. Followed all the rules. Honored his father by his actions. So why was he angry? Is the influence of social exchange the answer? Was his goodness so to speak simply his way to get what he wanted? And when circumstances did not go as he expected, he got angry. So, how do we see the oldest son as virtuous?

What was the indication the youngest son is heavily influenced by exchange? Maybe we see his humility to come home and admit his mistakes as being virtuous. But what about his feeling of unworthiness? What really causes us to feel unworthy is when we fail, make mistakes and disappoint those we love and respect. That is, feeling unworthy is a sense that we have not held up our end of the exchange bargain. Is that virtue?

So what's your point prof? Yeah, I can see your eyes rolling by now. Here's my point for you to ponder

Virtue is not the actions taken by someone that meets the moral or cultural approval of society. Virtue is a worldview that rejects exchange as the value that drives how one chooses to act. The action is not what makes someone virtuous, but its their heart of grace.