Beware of the 'fair trap'

As a parent of teens, the statement I heard the most is, “dad, that’s not fair.” Throughout the ages sages will tell you, the greatest obsession of humans is fairness. At first you may assume this is no problem. Of course, being fair is important. True, but the problem is there is no answer to what is fair. It’s mankind’s greatest concern, and it has no answer. 

The need for situations and people to be fair is a trap and can take away your oxygen. Let me briefly explain. There are three ways to judge something as fair. Each is different from the others and each is subjective. Are you beginning to get the picture. Sometimes something is fair when people get what they deserve. This is called equity and is based on reciprocity. The criminal justice system and many reward systems in companies see fairness this way. Sometimes something is fair when everyone gets the same. This is called equality. Entitlement programs think things are fair when everyone gets the same. After all, "all men are created equal." Still others think something is fair when everyone gets what they need. Charities hand out goods and services based on what someone needs, not deserves and certainly mothers with children get more than single men because their needs are greater.

The problem is that what someone deserves, and giving everyone the same, or giving according to need are all totally different ways to be fair. Not only are there three totally different ways to be fair, each way may vary based on individuals’ views of what is fair. We can take this even further, psychologists have found that its not as much what the distribution of goods and services are that determines their fairness, but how (the process) was handled. There is a whole other criteria called procedural justice by which people judge something to be fair.

If you require life to be fair, you will likely be disappointed most of the time until you become quite cynical about the world’s ability to be fair to you. This is paralyzing and leaves you feeling lifeless, that life never works right for you. See, right is what’s fair and what’s fair is an illusion. Stuck in place, life’s not fair so why try.

For you to break out and not succumb to the “fair trap,” you must release the built-in need for life to be fair. This is not easy. It goes against everything inside you. What is the remedy? An attitude of gratitude, a sense of grace. Cultivate the ability to see all the blessings of life that have been freely given to you totally independent of what you deserve. Each person has gifts given to them just because they are born. You did nothing to get them. You even did nothing to deserve being born and the provision of your childhood. The air you breath every day, the abundance of food creation provides, the unconditional love of family and friends, and much more are the overwhelming gifts of life that is not fair. Being thankful that life is not fair instead of demanding life to be fair brings life.

I think that is worth pondering .....

Is "being normal" the goal?

Recently a mother of young children, all of which I love dearly, posted this on face book - "I just want to say publicly that being gay is normal, and my children are being instructed as such." It seemed by the rest of her post that she was pushing back on the evangelical community she grew up in to declare that she did not want that community to influence her children to see homosexuality and all of its extensions (such as marriage) as wrong.

To her, being gay is as normal as breathing. It's just built-in to the way some people are made.

It may surprise you that my response has nothing to do my opinion of her view on homosexuality. I was especially taken back by her celebration of "normal". She cannot mean normal is that everybody sees it the same way. It was clear in her post many disagree with her and thus this would not be "normal" for everybody. The context seemed to mean that homosexuality is natural for some people and therefore it should be seen by everyone as OK.

So, I am assuming she means that whatever is "natural" should not be met with any challenge as to its acceptability. This would mean then that when a 2 year bites a playmate for stealing their toy, its OK. It is certainly "natural" for some toddlers. I guess its also OK for an 8 year old to not admit they broke mother's vase when they did. It is quite "natural" for a child to lie when they do something wrong. What about an 18 year old male whose hormones "naturally" rage to a point they see women as sexual objects. I guess that is OK since it is quite natural for many teen boys. I guess its OK too when a 30 year female employee seduces her boss in order to get ahead in her career. It's quite "natural" for many women to go that route.

Lori Loughlin claims she did nothing wrong in the college admissions scandal. "Any parent would have done the same thing if they were in that position." In other words, her actions were "only normal" for a mom who loved her children and wanted the best for them. Should I go on?

If many behaviors are questionable by some as to their appropriateness, but occur "naturally" in people, how do we know when "natural" (normal) is OK or not? Who decides what is normal? This becomes especially problematic if the parent wishes their children to be raised as a Christian. It may surprise you again that I have no interest or way to "list" behaviors that Christians should deem as OK, including being gay. I have another point about raising Christian kids. It is this:

Being "normal" is THE problem. If "normal" is what's natural, then everything "normal" is outside of God's desire for us because our nature is flawed. Jesus teaches in the Sermon on the Mount that its  natural for humans to pursue and produce good behavior (virtue and ethics) so they can be seen by whoever cares as OK. Its not natural to desire a relationship with Christ above all else. Nothing about the human condition naturally "seeks first the Kingdom of Heaven." Everything about human nature trusts its own power to know what is right or wrong. Everything in human nature wants self to be glorified. This was the serpent's invitation to Eve - to trust herself to know good and evil.

I agree with this young mother there are issues with how the evangelical church has addressed the Christian response to cultural questions. In fact, Christian leaders obsession with culture most often ignores the issue with nature. I would encourage this young mother (and any other that desires eternal life) to ponder what it means to be abnormal, to be something completely different than what their human nature demands of them. To see that being a "new creation" is to not "be enticed by our own desires." I would want those desiring God to have the soul's goal of knowing Jesus in a profound and intimate way. Christians should "naturally" be motivated to receive and reflect the treasure put into their earthen vessel, not of their own power but of God's. "Walking in the Spirit" is normal living in the privilege and provisions of the Heavenlies.

In the human condition being normal is trusting ourselves for the well being of our soul. My problem is not with homosexuality or any other idea of life that is seen as "being normal." My view of the problem occurs when "being normal" from the world' perspective is the goal.