there's sex and then there's SEX

You probably asking "where the crazy old man going with this?" Good question!

The most common standard for whether sexual behavior is appropriate is marriage. If two peeps are married to each other, then sex is right. If not, sex is wrong. The problem with this is two fold. One is that there is no criteria for the appropriateness of sex inside marriage and the other is that sex outside marriage has become one of those "mega sins" that ruins lives through heaps of condemnation and guilt.

I think there's a criteria that at least can inform the first issue and provide more perspective on the second. Suppose we use the criteria of carnal mind and Kingdom mind to make sense of sexual behavior. Now this is really not my idea, I just borrowed it from Jesus :-)

This notion of two minds seems to be what He is getting at in The Sermon of the Mount. The 3 chapters in Matthew are focusing on the Kingdom of God and the provision Jesus has made for us to be in harmony with it.

Regarding sex, Jesus says that lust is adultery. Notice he did not say cheating on one's spouse is adultery. What is He saying? Lust is the desire for self gratification, particularly sensual pleasure. He doesn't give marriage as a qualifier for lust.  Even in marriage, sex which is for self gratification is adulterous or unfaithfulness. Husbands who use their wife for personal pleasure and wives who use their husbands to get what they want are carnal minded. Jesus is saying when we use another person to satisfy self, we are unfaithful, but to whom? GOD!!!

God sent His Son to die for us so we could receive all of our well being from Him. When we use anything, especially another peep to meet our needs then we are not trusting that God is and will. This doesn't mean God does not wish for us to enjoy each other, but that should flow from a deep desire to know one another, not use each other. Knowing another deeply is the greatest joy of life. Jesus says that "real life," the one God designed for us, is knowing Him in deep intimacy. same with peeps!!

The context of these verses in Matt is this. No one can reach or maintain harmony with God's Kingdom (be righteous) by fulfilling the Law. Jesus went ahead and did that for us. Continuing to rely on law following for our well being is carnal minded. Jesus then goes through a series of ways we seek self (righteousness, gratification, exaltation, power, rights, etc.) while obeying Law. We are called to a different mind, the Kingdom mind. Here we make sense of ourself and our actions based on the Grace that has redeemed us. Self has been crucified with Christ and He wishes to live His life through us.

Regarding sex, this would mean that we can be the most exposed, the most vulnerable when we know our well being has been taken care of by Jesus. We do not need to use the world around us for us to be OK. Men use sex to get physical pleasure, women to get love and secure their relationship. James Dobson puts it this way, "women give sex to get love, men give love to get sex." By being free we are able to be intimate, to deeply know and be known. This is the source of our greatest joy. Marriage is not a license to use each other for self gain (in way that is a form of prostitution) but our calling to deeply love another God has chosen for us to love.

So, there's sex (carnal minded), which is based on social exchange where one gives another their sexual self in exchange for self gratification, and there's SEX (Kingdom minded) where two peeps trust God enough for their well being that they can share their deepest, most vulnerable aspects of their self with another whom God called them to love.

Just saying ....

"attitudes" - one of the most most ill conceived concepts

Yesterday I was driving back from a round of golf at Keeowee Vineyards with a friend who had been and still is somewhat successful at turning around failed nuclear power plants. He's a very smart Purdue engineer that has made lots of money over his life time. He asked me about my teaching and what strategy I used. He has been involved over his career teaching "root cause" to nuclear engineers. After a few minutes of discussion, he said, "I just focus simply on their "attitude" in order to get results I want.

This statement is very common among executives as their view of managing human behavior is like "finger nails on the chalkboard" to me. So the prof in me kicked in and I began to explain (probably more like lecture) the error ("stinking thinking") of this perspective. 

My response was that "attitude" by itself has no real meaning, it must have a target such as an object (ice cream) or a behavior (eating ice cream). Then in order to be motivational, the outcome of the desired behavior not only has to be favorable but also has to be salient to the worker.

It dawned on me that he had two totally different rounds of golf at Vineyards thurs (85) and sat (77). So I said, "You had expressed earlier and often that your attitude toward playing Vineyards was negative. But I know your attitude towards playing competitive golf is positive. So, first of all, no one can just say, "John, you have a bad attitude" without attaching a target of your attitude to the statement. Second, how come you played differently on different days. Maybe, your attitude toward Vineyards was more salient (dominant) on thurs and not so much on Sat relative to your desire to play well?"

This is what we have to deal with in the work place when we deal with employee attitudes. When we think or say, "the problem is your attitude" what we really mean is their attitude needs to be more positive toward the behaviors and associated outcomes that WE believe are important for success. So as a leader we are trying to shape the targets of their attitudes so they become more positive towards the behaviors we want and then we have to make the outcome salient to them for the attitude to have behavioral (motivational) effect.

I couldn't remember if I had blogged on this subject but its my lesson for class tomorrow, so John gave me a blog and some lecture material for class - just is!!!

So, what is it you do?

One of the first questions others ask when we meet someone is "what do you do?" There are at least two issues with the way our culture deals with this question. One issue has to do with identity and value. Too often we associate who we are with what we do. This creates esteem problems as this perspective places a performance based emphasis on how we value our self. There is a lot more to this and I have blogged about this issue before.

The second issue is that "what we do" is not our job. Our job focuses on tasks that need to be accomplished in a positional role one holds inside a specific organization. So, although we hold jobs as salesman, lawyer, teacher, accountant, nurse, and such, that is not what we really do. Confused?

One day my son decided he was going to learn how to describe what he really does. While he is a financial actuary and is more recently a risk management executive, that does not describe what he does. He determined that he was a problem solver and an implementer of change. He figures out how someone or an organization could improve things and helps them put the change in place. So, the specific job and company in which he works simply provides the context for what he really does.

I did the same self assessment around my early 40's. Although I had made a career in managing information technology, I too was mainly a change agent. The major gift I had was to help other peeps understand complex things that in doing so, could make their life work better. This became very apparent to me as I changed venues and went from the business world to academia. I found that I was still helping peeps understand complex concepts that would make their life work better. Only this time it is students and not business peeps. Regardless of the job and its context, I was doing the same things.

Thus, I believe it is useful for peeps to reflect on what it is they really do, not the job they hold. A fulfilled life is one in which we play out what has been put in us. That is what we really do and the better we understand that, the less pressure we will feel about what specific job we have or what company we work for or what title we hold or money we make AND the more we will enjoy being who we are because we are doing what we were designed to do.

something to ponder ......